So I promised an update on sleeping through the night, didn’t I?

I’ve been avoiding this post for so many reasons.

Because I feel like a hypocrite. Because I’m still feeling guilty. Because MY method failed.

I had basically resigned myself to the fact that I would never sleep again. I had come to terms with it — I was at peace with the fact that Bean would dictate my sleep schedule for.ev.er. And that was ok, because it’s what was best for HIM. And as a mother, we all know sacrifices are just part of the game.

But a few weeks back, at Sawyer’s 1 YEAR well-visit, I felt compelled to bring it up to the doctor. I wanted him to pat me on the back, tell me that I was such an incredible mommy for giving up my nights for my son’s benefit.

Instead, he laughed and looked at me like I was insane.

Note: I ADORE our pediatrician, and that just made him sound rude — he is not. He is lovely and I’d recommend him to anyone in the Cleve area.

He stressed to me (once again) just how important it is that Bean is able to fall asleep on his own. He assured me that he was not hungry, but just wanted to hang out with mommy (who could blame him? ). He said that although it’s hard and difficult to hear him cry, this is a milestone he needs to accomplish and in the end he’ll sleep better and be happier overall. Plus, he’ll get confidence from knowing he can soothe himself and doesn’t need mommy and daddy.

But won’t he think I abandoned him? Won’t this cause him psychological issues? Won’t he think that he can’t communicate clearly, since I’m not responding to his outcries? Didn’t he know I WAS ANTI-CRY-IT-OUT?! Wasn’t there a happy -medium? (The answer was yes, there was, but it wasn’t working — seeing me at night and not taking him out of the crib was only making him more upset)

My pediatrician acknowledged that there’s lots of “info” out there. But he urged me to give it a try for a few days. Being that he knew Sawyer, just gave him a clean bill of health, and still claimed this was best for him, I was convinced to give it a try. I got the OK that I could go into his room after 20 minutes if he was still crying. I was warned that SCREAMING might be part of the equation and that this is just part of the crying cycle — some babies simply just need to get it out of their system in order to sleep (that still sounds off to me, but whatever).

I told the Mister that he would have to be my rock. I would want to break — I would want to go into his room — I might fight him on it — I might cry myself. He had to keep me strong. He had to remind me I was doing the right thing.

The first night was awful.

I cried. I yelled at the Mister. I’m not proud of my actions. Sawyer cried and screamed for 20 minutes and when I finally contemplated gouging my eyes out, it happened– silence. He woke up one time around 2 a.m., cried for 15 minutes and then slept until 6 a.m.

The next day, he cried for 10 minutes when I put him down and then slept for 10 hours straight.

The following day, he cried for roughly 5 minutes before conking out for 11 hours.

Now, he cries for about 45 seconds – 2 minutes and sleeps for 10-11 hours, never waking in the middle of the night.

Let the heavens rejoice.

When Sawyer wakes up in the morning (at 5:00 a.m. – but that’s another issue – let’s just say we cannot WAIT for the time change), he’s joyful. He’s SO excited to start the day and he greets me with an enormous cheeky smile and a big hug and kiss. I guess he finally understands what it feels like to sleep through the night. And after one whole year, Mommy and Daddy do, too.