Are you and your partner speaking the same language? Does it ever feel like no matter how hard you try to show your love, they still don’t think it’s enough? Or maybe they tell you how much they love you, but you just don’t “feel” it? You could be speaking a different language.
Roll your eyes back to the way they were and just listen for a minute.
People show love in different ways and people feel loved in different ways. Some people like gifts, others words. Some people like kisses, others like help with the household chores. There isn’t a “wrong” way. But in order to prevent problems and conflict, it might be helpful to know your language AND your partner’s. By adapting their language into your own, you can make sure your focusing on what really makes them feel loved.
It’s true, but I too was a bit skeptical when I first heard of these “love languages.” I was out to dinner with a good friend of mine who mentioned she recently took the self-assessment with her boyfriend. Not another cheesy campatibiliy quiz, I thought! But she assured me that this was different. Intrigued, I checked out the website and got started.
From the Web site:
With more than 30 years of experience as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman has heard it all. He has helped couples at every stage of marriage and at pivotal points in their relationships—from those just discovering the joys and trial of marriage to those who are ready to call it quits.
After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had ever counseled had a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.
Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Since The Five Love Languages debuted in 1992, over five million copies have been sold, making The Five Love Languages a perennial New York Times bestseller. But numbers don’t measure the influence the book has had on couples and their marriages.
The Five Love Languages has helped countless couples identify practical and powerful ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. Many husbands and wives who had spent years struggling through marriages they thought were loveless discovered one or both spouses had long been showing love through messages that weren’t getting through. By recognizing their different love languages, they witnessed the rebirth of the love they thought had been gone for good.
While I didn’t think that the Mister and I would score that different (we’ve always been on the same wavelength), I was still curious. I took the personal profile self assesment (It takes about 10 minutes and is FREE).
Here are my results:
I’m not at all surprised by these results! I know that I am happiest when the Mister gives me his undivided attention and when we do things TOGETHER. But it’s important to note that words of affirmation and physical touch are also important. I do like being told how much I matter and I can’t go long without hugging or snuggling. It doesn’t surprise me that the other areas ranked low — and good thing they did, because the Mister has been gettin’ a little sloppy on his household chores 
And I suppose it’s good for him to know that he can’t win me over with a fancy gift! Nope, all I need is my man – sans cell phone, computer, fantasy sports, etc., of course ;)
Take the assessment– if you have someone else in your life, have them take it too – you might learn something! After completing this exercise, I’m almost tempted to buy the book, has anyone out there read it?
For your reference, the 5 love languages are below:
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
What’s your love language?
